Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!

can of beans: never!

(whirring noises)

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

all that yoga finally paid off

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.