Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
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[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
channeling her this year
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
this is the news I live for
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
This headline is a thing of beauty
