Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
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ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.