Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.