Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.