Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
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My favorite female superhero
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Shortcut
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.