Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person