Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
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I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”