If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
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When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.
“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
HER: Did you have the birds and the bees talk with the kids ?
ME: *Joyously* yes, they think we should get a sex swing
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl