Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

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When you’re a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you’re an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.


“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”


MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol


[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants



I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.


HER: Did you have the birds and the bees talk with the kids ?

ME: *Joyously* yes, they think we should get a sex swing


Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.


at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl