The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
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[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Marijuana is a dangerous drug. My uncle once got so high that he thought it was OK to explain the musical history of Santana and the Grateful Dead.
Kids we are running late let’s go!
*Kids I’m going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)
~ gas pumps