Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
You Might Also Like
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.