Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
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KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form