Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
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Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.