Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
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Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
My first child will be named New Folder.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?