Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

🙁

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

I love the National Park Service.

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time