Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
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FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”