Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
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my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
he was correct
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.