Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
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One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.