Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”
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Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions