Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
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For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
me and who
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her