Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
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In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Another day, another…goddammit
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.