Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours