Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
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[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Does beer think about me too?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou