Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
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Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
no!! no!!!!!!
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug