Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

Story time

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

Great Canadian literature.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.