Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

🤣

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro