Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here

-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.

assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.

inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

Me too 😆

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head