Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
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Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies