I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
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anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Pandas 🐼🖤
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying