Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

Found the job I’m suited for

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show