Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.