whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
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Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?