Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
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People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.