Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
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[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
found my next D&D character name
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her