Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
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*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Dammit Chief not again
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“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume