Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

channeling her this year

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.