Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

Brands during Pride

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that