Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
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How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[eats all your cotton candy]
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Every haunted house movie:
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.