Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

sure, why not

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that