Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
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Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
my one true gender
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.