Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
You Might Also Like
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Wolves should really raise more people.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –