Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
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my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
