Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
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Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s