Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
You Might Also Like
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
My work here is don’t.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!