Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
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When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore