Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

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Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.


If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.


My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.


I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies


therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen


Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?


After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat’s the male. Guess she knows it’s easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.


How amazing is it when all your kids do what you’ve asked the first time?

No, I’m asking. How amazing is it? I’d like to know.


Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.


Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.