@DurtMcHurtt

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

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@NicCageMatch

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

@Reverend_Scott

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

@junejuly12

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

@TheWeirdWorld

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

@goofballbirkla

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

@AlmightyBored

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

@Dirty_Naomi

After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat’s the male. Guess she knows it’s easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.

@momthoughts13

How amazing is it when all your kids do what you’ve asked the first time?

No, I’m asking. How amazing is it? I’d like to know.

@PaperWash

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

@ZombieProblms

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.