@rolldiggity

Whenever someone on a plane reclines their seat into you, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, “Keep going.”

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@SondraDeeMe

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

@generativist

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

@LlamaInaTux

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

@SvnSxty

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

@findmydolls

My dad wanted to name me, “Rusty,” if I was a boy. Thank you, X chromosomes.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

@david8hughes

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

@Hobo_Splendido

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.