Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
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My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
In space, no one can hear…
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.