Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”

So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”

Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?

3 yo: No, thanks.

🤦🏻‍♀️

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

My ideal weight is five million dollars

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀