Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
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Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.