Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
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My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
titanic
Well, this certainly took a turn
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.