Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
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Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
