Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.