Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
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*limbos away from your hug*
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
when someone rings the doorbell
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-