Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

Hmmmmmmm….

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows