Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Never forget.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching