Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
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Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”