Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
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Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA