Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever

Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.