Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
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“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
He instantly became one of the bros
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
old twitter is back baby
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE