Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
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Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone