Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
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My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Siri: Retweet me.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time