Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
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Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
can you read it!!??
maan!
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”