Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
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It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
What
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…