Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

In space, no one can hear…

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there