Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.