Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
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Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”