Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
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I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Science memes
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I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
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