Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
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If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
fly smarter, not harder
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
is he marrying that labradoodle
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.