Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
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Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.