Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
You Might Also Like
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
How wrong was this guy?
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.