Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba