Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

The biggest mystery of our time

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

When someone trying to leave me

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME