Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed